


Doubt Truth To Be A Liar

by treewishes



Category: RPF 18th-19th c Arts and Sciences
Genre: Canonical Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-23
Updated: 2009-12-23
Packaged: 2017-10-05 03:01:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/37101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/treewishes/pseuds/treewishes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three times I have said yes to Meriwether Lewis, and one time I said no.  I regret each of them equally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doubt Truth To Be A Liar

**Author's Note:**

  * For [osito](https://archiveofourown.org/users/osito/gifts).



> This is was a yuletide pinch hit (my first!). The request was "a story exploring Lewis' relationship with Clark; his battles with depression and melancholy; and the events leading up to his death." osito's yuletide letter had a bit more detail: "On a personal note, I grew up near the Lewis and Clark trail, and spent many of my childhood years learning about their exploits. I've always been fascinated by Lewis, in particular. Anything that you come up with (especially anything that is close to historically accurate) will be amazing. I see Lewis as such a tortured soul, which is something that I personally feel is glossed over in history. I would love to see this angle explored further. And finally (you don't have to take this angle if it's not your thing), I always felt there was something going on between Lewis and Clark, so if that's your kink, go for it!"
> 
> Now I must confess something. (Besides acknowledging that yes, that is my kink, thank you!) I have always wondered about Lewis and Clark, in that "you never hear one name without the other" kind of way, but historical details? Not so much. However, I live with a history buff who had just finished Stephen Ambrose's Undaunted Courage, which was sitting on the coffee table. I credit (a) R's eidetic memory, and (b) Ambrose's carefully annotated manuscript for my ability to ingest the story quickly, and then (of course) Wikipedia and a number of other wonderful history websites that provided much of the color behind this. Also, just as I was starting to write, I listened to a podcast on Tom Mallon's new book, Yours Ever: People and Their Letters, which made me realize that the correspondence was to be a key part of the story.
> 
> I also agree with the requester: I find this story a very plausible scenario given the facts. As far as I can tell, there's nothing in the remaining records that refute it, and while it's 200 years ago now, this was basically TMZ fodder at the time, and so I feel whatever there is to know is out there. These two men cared very deeply for each other, that much I can say for sure.
> 
> Thanks so much to gnomad for the quick turnaround and spot-on beta!

Three times I have said yes to Meriwether Lewis, and one time I said no. I regret each of them equally.

The first request was not from Meriwether himself, but from Tony Wayne on his behalf. Meri had got himself into trouble in the Second Sub-Legion, and had challenged his superior officer to a duel. As General Wayne personally despised dueling, he dismissed the charges and arranged to transfer the challenger away. Meri was a top sharpshooter and was offered him to my unit, the Chosen Rifle Company. I could easily have said no and suggested another post; I did not want the trouble of a sullen and troublesome boy. Instead, I decided on a whim to do my commanding officer a favor.

But Meri was anything but troublesome. I liked him immediately, and found him to be a man of high energy and physical grace. I soon realized he could accomplish any task I set to him, with his knowledge of wilderness ways and rapport with the natives. He cared deeply for military service and even those who disliked him agreed he was a born leader.

He was also beautiful. And while he respected me as his superior, he had a look in his eye that suggested his feelings would only grow with familiarity. And so before he could ask, before I would have to decide whether to strike him or give in to his passion, I fled. I claimed ill-health and the press of family business not six months after he joined the unit and went home to Kentucky.

And dreamt of him for seven years.

I had heard that Jefferson intended to send an expedition west, but when the letter arrived from Meri I had no inkling he was to lead it. I keep that letter in a packet next to my heart to this day. It is dated July of 1803, and begins, _From the long and uninterrupted friendship and confidence which has subsisted between us I feel no hesitation in making to you the following communication._ I remember reading that first sentence and thinking I must say no. And then, of course, I could not turn him down. Oh, I told myself it was the enterprise that he and Jefferson had devised. And it was true that I longed to travel across unknown lands in a keeled boat, to discover our new nation so recently independent, to see the great Western Ocean. I itched to map uncharted waters.

The deeper truth was that I also itched for Meriwether. I wrote back that I would join him with hand and heart, and I meant it. When he finally arrived at my brother's house in Louisville, it was October. I met him at the front door and took him to my rooms; I could introduce him to George later. And for a second time, I said yes to him, and he to me.

Our journey together was one of wonder and discovery. For almost four years, we never knew what would come the following day. We climbed the highest mountains and navigated the widest rivers. We lived off the land and cataloged all manner of new plants and animals. I remember fantastic summer days, where we would stare in amazement at thundering waterfalls, at trees as tall as mountains, at herds of buffalo larger than entire states back east. I remember cold winter nights, where we would find warmth in each other. And every danger, difficulty, and fatigue was worth it because we were together.

The men who traveled with us were steadfast and true. We had handpicked each of them as unmarried and sympathetic to our situation. We became a close-knit group, and I continue to trust those men as I do my own brothers. They have all benefited from the expedition, both personally and professionally.

I should have known it would be more difficult for Meri.

We had both changed so much on that journey that it was impossible for either of us to continue at the same rate. We could take up exploring again, but I knew it could never be the same. And so I readied my plans and prepared to accept my lot in life. I quickly courted and married Julia, and expected that Meri would do the same with his lady friend in Philadelphia.

But Meriwether did not bring her to St. Louis. And feeling sorry for him, I said yes to him a third time when he proposed we should share lodgings. He found a suitable house where I could easily slip away from the rooms I shared with Julia and cross into his. I have always been a virile man, but I must say it was a demanding time for me, made easier when Julia became with child. Meri was happy, it seemed, and was pleased when we named the child after him.

I think the end began with the pressure to publish the journals and to make an account of the expedition. I believe that this meant, to him, the end of the journey, something he had tried to deny for some time. And so he delayed, and made excuses, and avoided my questions. Not only my questions, but Jefferson's as well. I was too distracted to realize the seriousness of the situation; I was busy establishing my family in town. Julia and I were delighted with young Lewis, and she doted on Pompey, the child I'd made with Janey. My duties in the territory regularly took me away from home, and I often came back to find Meri drunk and raving. I remember thinking on more than one occasion that I would rather visit Janey than Meriwether in the middle of the night.

When we made plans to travel to Washington in the fall of 1809, I knew it was the end. We had planned to go by boat, but I made up a delay and went by land instead. I felt traveling by boat would be too like our expedition.

Along the way, I visited my brother Jonathan in Louisville, and it was there that I received the letter from Meri, saying he had left the boat and was coming overland on the Natchez Trace. The letter was difficult to read, garbled, and so full of emotion. He recalled the day six years earlier when we had spent our first night together. How glorious that was! He recounted the best times we had on our expedition, so vividly and so beautifully that I wanted to weep.

And then my worst fears were realized. He ended the letter with a plea for us both to run away, to go to Europe, to leave behind the politics of the Missouri Territory, to leave behind our families, and to love each other. He asked me to meet him at a place we both knew, an inn called Grinder's Stand, in Tennessee.

I wanted to say yes. I almost did say yes. But this time, I could not give him what he needed. I could not leave my life in this young country that my brothers had won so bravely from the British.

I burned that letter.

I thought of him and little else until I read about his death in the _Argus_. It was, sadly, no surprise to me. All of the reports I have seen described how determined he was to die, and I am glad he succeeded in his quest. I hope he has now found peace.

And I wish I could have held him, and kissed his beautiful brow, and told him how lovely he was one last time.

 

~ ~

Doubt thou the stars are fire  
Doubt that the sun doth move  
Doubt truth to be a liar  
But never doubt I love.

\--- Wm Shakespeare


End file.
